those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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