Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
