I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
