Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
