Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
