We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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