R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
