Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
