There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I am midnight drunk by noon
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
