take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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