I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
