Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
