I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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