It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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