I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
