did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just had sex bonerless
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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