How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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