i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
