I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
