does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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