he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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