Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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