It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
