Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
