i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
