Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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