Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
