I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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