none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
