Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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