Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
