omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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