he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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