He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
