I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
