My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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