my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
