respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
