apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
