we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
