she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
