Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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