I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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