i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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