Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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