I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize