Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
