I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
