just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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