OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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