Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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