Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Is it because I queefed?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
