I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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