I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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