Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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