im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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