My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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