I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
