I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
