what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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