please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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