fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
