based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wear drunk well.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
